Dear Me,
A year will pass when you will reflect on this post again. I hope things will be a lot different a year from now than they were when I am writing this letter. I'm not quite sure where I am going with this letter. I think I just want to be able to sit back and see where I am and see how happy I am with my life.
The time is currently 11 pm in California. The last few weeks have been really hellish for myself. Without giving out too many details on a public forum, life pretty much turned upside down. You screamed, kicked, cried, broke plates, and sat in the shower with your clothes on while you cried out any last remaining tears that you could have bore. I have been through every emotion that I could possibly feel in the last few weeks as your world came to a crashing halt. However, life continued on. The first few days, I didn't eat. 5 days to be exact. In those 5 days, I hardly drank anything but coffee to keep me awake to take care of the kids, you had 1 bite of a peanut butter sandwich, and 2 bites of jello. You weren't hungry, I wasn't hungry. I hardly slept, but did my best because I knew I had two little ones who look for me in the morning to take care of. You cried a lot of tears that first week. I would be sitting down trying to work on the test knit for Jane, but I couldn't move my hands or even focus. My brain would take over and I would go into a soul crushing crying fit. The first week was the hardest as I would cycle through depression, desperation, anger, indifference, to even a "I will be okay" attitude minutes apart from each other. I felt like I was going insane, and might as well have been insane.
Then, sometime during the second week, something struck me. The mantra of "I will be okay," hit me hard. I will be okay. I will be okay. I will be okay. I sat myself up in my bed during one the kids' afternoon naps, and I believed myself when I told myself that I will be okay. I knew time would be the biggest factor of being okay. This is something that will take time to heal. Just like if I were to accidentally slice myself while cutting vegetables, that wound needs time to heal. Not just time, but the proper care.
I am setting a few goals for myself that I hope by the time I reflect on this in a year, I will be able to check off some of these goals in hopes that my life is going in the right direction. I am going to give myself a year to really properly process all of this and handle things correctly. There will be highs and lows throughout this process, but it ultimately up to me to push on through and keep striving to reach my goal. These goals aren't something I necessarily want to involve my children with, because I need to care about myself too. Before I even met my little ones, I was taking care of them before their first breath of fresh air was taken. For 3 years, I focused on them and forgot that I am a human too. I am myself. I have 365 chances to change that, and be something better than who I am now. This is my journey to self healing.
My Goals
I am giving it my all for the next year to start up my knitting/crocheting/yarn business. I am going to change the name from Fregoso's Twist to Sarah's Twists. This is about me after all. My goal is to turn this hobby into something that is able to fund itself, but also give back to the community that gave me so much love, encouragement, and support through this lonely journey. My business goal is to be able to put out products every month and see a decent turn around in products and break even from the supplies and time. Even if I am breaking even, it will show me that there is hope for me. Everyone wants to be successful and so I have to just think of ways on how to be that successful business. In this goal, I hope to go to different market/fairs/shows and be able to sell finished products and hopefully start a business in the hand dyed yarns too. My primary focus will be hand dyed yarns as I love being able to see what the community is able to create.
I may be close to the end of my major in psychology, however, I just am not ready to close that chapter just yet. I am going to switch my major into business, not quite sure what specialty, and focus on how to be able to become my own business. This plan is a little bit longer than the year, but I really want to see where this takes me as I want to show my children that it is never too late to go to school. I also want to show them that with hard work and dedication it is possible to finish even with odds against you.
My personal family goal, is to see where this whole thing takes me. I want to focus on me and the children. I want to be the better om who is able to support them not just financially, but also emotionally as I want to see them thrive and dream. Something that I didn't really get to do because everything as a kid had to be something obtainable and also reasonable. I want them to dream big and shoot for the stars and be some one they want to be. I want to be able to support those goals even if it isn't to be the world greatest open heart surgeon.
Life is going to be very tough for the road ahead. As I stated before, I will have my good days and by bad. I just hope that I am reading this a year from now and remembering where this passion came from. How I want to turn this pain into something positive and push it towards a goal that is bigger than just me, but also it is for me.
So Dear Me, One Year from Now,
I hope I am doing better. I hope that I am able to accomplish some of these goals and be able to look back with a smile and feel proud of how far I have come. If not, that's okay. Take more time. Keep pushing for those goals and keep making new ones. I want to feel happy again. I hope I am happy again.
xoxo,
Sarah.
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